Cash-strapped U.S. Selling 41.3% of Hawaii & 100% of U.S. Virgin Islands To Canada  A Site For Sore Eyes & Inquisitive Minds

Canada’s multi-year efforts to buy the Turks and Caicos Islands inretire the Caribbean as a sunny and warm winter vacation destination for it citizens have been abandoned with the announcement today of the agreement to purchase 41.3% of the Hawaiian Islands and 100% of the U.S. Virgin Islands from the cash-strapped United States. Details of the sale follow.

By: Lorimer Wilson

In a story leaked earlier today says that the sale of portions of Hawaii and its Virgin Islands is only the first of several other major real estate distress sales the U.S. intends to conclude by the end of 2018 as a means of offsetting its projected mind-boggling record current account deficit of in excess of $19 Trillion.

Terms of the deal have not been fully disclosed but those familiar with negotiations put the final price at around $3.3B USD for the Hawaii Purchase and $0.1B USD for the Virgins Purchase. It is rumoured that the United Kingdom, also in desperate financial shape, is in current negotiations to sell all of its 60 British Virgin Islands possessions (153,000 square miles) to Canada for approximately $125,000,000CDN ($816,993/sq. mi.). Such a purchase would be consolidated into the Virgins Purchase.

The Hawaiian Purchase will exclude the 8 main islands of the state, i.e. Hawaii, Maui, Kahoolawe, Lanai, Molokai, Oahu, Kauai and Niihau, leaving 4,512 square miles or 41.3% that are being sold at a price of $731,383/sq. mi.

The Virgins Purchase will include all 133.7 square miles of territory that was originally purchased from Denmark back in 1917. Its selling price works out to $747,943/sq. mi.

For those who are interested:
a) the Louisiana Purchase in April 1803 from France consisted of the purchase of 828,000 sq. mi. of the area from the Mississippi River to the Rocky Mountains and from the Gulf of Mexico to British North America (now western Canada).

It consisted of approximately 23% of the country’s present land mass which include what are now 14 states in whole or in part (plus small portions of land that would eventually become part of the Canadian provinces of Alberta and Saskatchewan).

The purchase price was $15,000,000US or $18.12/sq. mi.

b) the Alaska Purchase on March 30, 1867 (some say the purchase was back-dated from April 1, 1867 so it would not be thought of as a cruel joke on the American people) from Russia consisted of 586,412 square miles at a price of $7,200,000US or $12.28/sq. mi.

John E. Canuck, Canada’s Chief Land Procurement Officer was excited to have two contracts signed, sealed and delivered. “This is a huge deal for us. Now that we have our own tropical locales we expect fewer Canadians will vacation in Florida or Arizona which should help with Canada’s balance of payments and further bolster the value of the Canadian dollar to parity with the USD.”

Canuck would not comment on future such purchases (Alaska is rumoured to be the next state that the U.S. would like to unload in its entirety) stating that such unbelievable good fortune would likely not be announced until April 1st  2019.

(-: OK OK, you got us: there is no way this is actually going to happen! Happy April Fool’s Day from and 🙂

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Other April Fool’s Day Spoofs:

1. Major Changes In American Way of Life Coming Within Months

Earlier today Federal Reserve Chairman Janet Yellen made the surprising announcement of the return to the gold standard saying, “The safest way for the economy to proceed is through a new system that holds more accountability for the U.S. dollar and its value in the global markets.”

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About Lorimer Wilson


  1. Well it is humourous. But the truth is, I think we (Canada) would rather buy Alaska than Hawaii because of the natural resources of the Artic. 🙂

  2. I thought I had really stumbled onto a great website until I figured out every article has to be checked to see if it is for real or a joke.

  3. Representative R.Kahookele

    I can’t believe the United States of America, the greatest country in the world, a country that was formed under God, a country that stands for justice for all, would do such a thing after admitting to the heirs of the Kingdom of Hawaii that the United States of America helped to illegally remove the lawful Hawaiian government in public law 103-150 in 1993 signed into law by William Jefferson Clinton. A direct violation of the treaties in place between the two countries.

    Now after admitting to this and after hearing Mr. Abrocrombie admit that the State of Hawaii don’t own Hawaii but is merely managing the land on behalf of the heirs of the Kingdom of Hawaii they are selling stolen lands, lands that don’t belong to them, we have asked for the title to the lands of Hawaii showing the chain of title from the Kingdom of Hawaii to the United States of America, they cannot show how they acquired Hawaii, even their own justice department can’t justify how they acquired Hawaii, all I can say is that a country that fought for its freedom and stole a continent away from the lokota,navaho, sou, and many more nations that were dwelling on the new world, a country that kidnapped the African from his home land to be made a slave, a country that well remember the alomo!

    What more can I say, pray for your enemies, and all those who partake in this crimes for the judge day is at hand and all who’s hands are dirty will be punished. Please don’t steal anything from me and tell me that its for my own good, and that because you have the might that makes it right. Stop the lies and repent before its to late.

    God bless the good people of this world that the devil seems to have full control of through the evil corporation that has been killing us all for the power and the glory.

    Aloha ke kahi i ke kahi love one another, aloha ke akua god bless

  4. The United States cannot lawfully sell occupied land, which is what Hawaii is. There was never a Treaty of Cession between the Unied States and Hawaii, therefore Hawaii was never lawfully a part of the United States. The United States used a congressional resolution to pretend that they annexed Hawaii. The key word is pretend. A United States congressional resolution has no power beyond the border of the United States. The United States conducted an armed invasion of Hawaii in 1893 and have since been an occupier of Hawaii violating several international laws of occupation, including such things as contaminating the land with depleted uranium during military training in the 1960’s in addition to testing sarin gas and several other chemical weapons. Who are the REAL Terrorists…

  5. Cheerful Disbelief

    Dude—you get that this was an April Fool’s joke at, right?

    The frightening thing is that it is entirely believable. We are living in weird times, and I wouldn’t put anything past the current permutation of government we live under. 🙁

  6. Dear Mr. Lorimer,

    This may not be quite as humorous as it first appears to those of us who understand that there may be negotiations by the US State Department with China regarding the level of national debt. With Hillary as Secretary of State, we can be sure that any such negotiations will not be in our best interests.